A BOOK ABOUT GAMBLING FOR A GAMBLER’S FAMILY

Before explaining the setting of this book in summary, it is important to make some clarifications. First, I would like to point out that my reference to the gambler almost always to the "male" (husband, son, father) is a choice made exclusively for simplicity of exposure and does not imply at all that gambling is basically a "male" problem. On the contrary, recent studies and statistics have shown that the emergence of new forms of gambling (video poker, bingo, internet and online games) and the popularization and proliferation of some of the more traditional games (Lotto, Power Ball, scratchers, betting rooms, video poker) have led to a substantial increase in the number of women involved in this activity. Today, in fact, about a third of pathological gamblers are women. Another important clarification refers to the use of the word gambling. For simplicity of reading, in the text I simply use the word "gambling", but I refer, in fact, to the narrower concept of "pathological gambling", or “gambling disorder” or “compulsive gambler” of which I will give a more scientific definition later.

GAMBLING AS A LEISURE
I would also like to point out that this book is neither an indictment nor a defense of gambling per se. Gambling has existed for centuries and will probably continue to be a part of the social life of our country for centuries to come. Its function of entertainment, and distraction from other more serious aspects of life is normally considered positive by most people. In these times we see an expansion of the way in which this entertainment sphere fits into everyday life. Personally, I do not believe that there is a family in the US that has not participated in some gambling activity in one way or another. I am not talking here about casinos, racetracks, betting rooms, bingo halls or card clubs, which are gambling places by definition. I am referring to situations that are much more common and almost always seemingly harmless, but which is important to put in the right perspective. Even the family or church Bingo, or Monopoly or Cheat or Speed played during holidays or while on vacation with family, friends and colleagues is gambling if there is a stake or a prize up for grabs (and usually there is). The same is true for the more formal Bridge, Canasta, Pinochle, or the friendly penny ante Poker or Gin Runny to see who is paying the sandwiches and coffee or the beers. The same is true for the Lotto or Powerball played now and then or weekly, or when you dream of your deceased grandmother giving you the magic numbers to play. And to be precise you gamble even when trying to win a doll, a little gold fish or a teddy bear for your son in the many stands of the town fair. Or buying a couple of squares in the office or favorite bar Super Bowl pool I know, it may seem strange and excessive, but this is the reality: they are all gambling, because gambling exists where money or other goods are bet on an event whose outcome is uncertain. I already hear the chorus of protests, especially of those card gamblers who will tell us it is a matter of skill, not luck. Or some avid horse racing enthusiasts or sportsmen who want to convince us (or convince themselves) that it is instead the ability to gather the right information. These are clearly unfounded protests, but even if they were founded, they would still be irrelevant for our analysis, because what we consider here are the consequences to which this game ultimately brings.

PATHOLOGICAL GAMBLING
More than the chorus of protests, I think it is important to pay brief attention to the dismay, the uncertainty, the skepticism of all those people who, for years and years, have enjoyed those games and who see nothing wrong in continuing to do so. I say to them: you are right! In fact, I do not think there's anything wrong with continuing. In this book I do not speak of you or to you, but I refer to those few (who unfortunately are not so few and who unfortunately continue to grow rapidly in number) who like me, for one reason or another, have turned pleasure into pain, the social aspect of the game into isolation and solitude, the joy into anger, the fun into an instrument of torture and destruction. In short, they turned the games into hell. I'm talking about the pathological gambler, more commonly referred to as a compulsive gambler. I'm talking about those people who couldn't keep gambling within the limits of the game, but became sick with gambling. Gambling disease has been defined accurately and professionally in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-tr) alongside other psychological disorders, such as anxiety, severe depression, eating disorders, drug addiction, alcoholism. It goes without saying, as I said, that the mere fact that your husband plays cards on Sunday or that your son places a bet with some friends or other members of the family on their own favorite football or baseball teams does not mean that they have a problem with gambling. The criteria used by the DSM-5-tr for pathological gambling very clearly describe the behavior of the gambler:

“Gambling Disorder

A. - Persistent and recurrent problematic gambling behavior leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as indicated by the individual exhibiting four (or more) of the following in a 12 month period:

a. Needs to gamble with increasing amounts of money to achieve the desired excitement.

b. Is restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop gambling.

c. Has made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop gambling.

d. Is often preoccupied with gambling (e.g., having persistent thoughts of reliving past gambling experiences, handicapping, or planning the next venture, thinking of ways to get money with which to gamble).

e. Often gambles when feeling distressed (e.g., helpless, guilty, anxious, depressed).

f. After losing money gambling, often returns another day to get even (“chasing” one’s losses).

g. Lies to conceal the extent of involvement with gambling.

h. Has jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of gambling.

i. Relies on others to provide money to relieve desperate financial situations caused by gambling."

(From the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition section 312.31).

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On the basis of these purely descriptive criteria and other criteria, codified elsewhere, diagnostic tests have been created whose results can provide accurate enough indications to ascertain whether there is a case of GAP (Pathological Gambling). In Appendix A I propose the Twenty Questions test, used by Gamblers Anonymous (the self-help group for gamblers I speak of later) to help gamblers still in doubt become aware of their situation. I also propose a similar test that is used with the same purpose by members of the Gam-Anon Association (the Association for family members) to help new members check for a gambler's presence in their family. I would also like to specify that to be of practical help to family members, I will not try to explain when, how and why a person becomes or has become a compulsive gambler. This is the task of psychiatrists, psychologists or sociologists. At the end of the book I will try to give a simple indication of how these professionals can be helpful and supportive in the family recovery project. Here I just want to indicate that as a pragmatic criterion of defining the pathological gambler, as distinct from the social gambler, I refer to the consequences of gambling on the gambler and his family. By compulsive gambler I therefore mean that person who, while observing (and being in some way aware of) the destructive and unwanted results of his behavior connected to gambling, can not stop gambling. When the consequences of gambling become unwanted, painful, destructive, and the person fails to stop, we are faced with a serious problem. This problem is a disease: Gambling Disorder (which I will keep referring to as Pathological Gambling).

A GAMBLER IN THE FAMILY
The biggest initial problem when confronting the discovery of having a gambler in the family is the difficulty in accepting that a person, who we think we know well, can behave in such a contradictory and confusing way. If the fundamental nature of the disease in that behavior cannot be recognized, wrong conclusions can be reached that can have devastating psychological and emotional effects for family members. With a consequential approach to the problem that can be ineffective or even counterproductive. A very common scenario is as follows. You start to see that something is not working. Little money missing, lies, unusual behavior, mood changes. You ask for explanations, and the reasons given to you seem to be logical, even if they sometimes puzzle you and do not completely clarify doubts. This is the first critical moment. You realize that if all those explanations and excuses were not valid or true, it would inevitably result that your family member is an unworthy person. But this possibility is extremely hard to accept, because it would also force you to question everything you thought of your loved one. "It is not possible that my son is a thief, or that my husband is so reckless and false, or that my mother has become so demented as to do certain nonsensical things!" It is easier to find comfort in the idea that it is only a mistake, a moment of crisis that will pass, anything temporary that can give meaning and an acceptable explanation to that behavior. As a result, mechanisms are set in motion to save the situation and cover the gambler's "mistake". There is hope (and many times unfortunately delusion) that the gambler has learned his lesson and will not repeat that mistake again. It is delusional hoipe that everything can be kept in a small circle of people so as not to have to suffer the "shame" of the judgment of others. It is hoped that that joint effort and the network of complicity and lies that has been created to cover the gambler and keep the situation hidden from the sick mother, the too severe father, the elderly in-law or the innocent children, will hold on and that everything will return as before. Or almost. For the sake of peace and quiet the suspicions will be abated, the controls will become less stringent, the guard will be lowered. The gambler will ask that his trust be given back, sometimes he will demand it. Most of the time he will get what he wants. The disease will strike again, but this time with unsuspected brutality. The damage will be much greater, but even greater will be the pain, resentment, confusion, disappointment, but above all anger. Under the pressure of these emotions, impulsive, extreme, contradictory choices will be made. Thus, begins the spiral of disintegration. Disintegration of one's values, of bonds, of the family. Who accuses and who defends, those who propose a course of action and those who support the opposite, those who require understanding and those who desire total reparations for the humiliation and pain suffered.

“I WON'T DO IT ANYMORE!"
This scenario exposed so simply and linearly may seem pessimistic, apocalyptic, and inaccurate, but unfortunately many families who have already lived it can confirm its validity. For many families, in fact, part of this book will be just a going back and re-living on some of these pages an ordeal already lived. These and other considerations in the book are expressly addressed to those families who are still in the early stages of the crisis, with my deep hope that it will help open their eyes and avoid making some painful mistakes. The most common of these mistakes is to believe that the repentance, regret and pain that the gambler shows when he is forced to admit the indignities he has committed towards the family and the seriousness of his behavior are reason enough to believe that he will change and stop gambling. It is so easy, but above all so comfortable, to believe the promises and oaths of the gambler!!! I think the adage "lasts from Christmas to Boxing Day" was not coined in reference to children's toys, but to the promises of the gambler. The gambler manages to be so convincing because maybe even he, at that moment, basically, almost believes it. Part of him really wants to get out of that nightmare and he has every best intention of trying. Unfortunately, the gambler, when he promises that he will not do it anymore, normally thinks about the damage, the uncontrolled gambling, he does not really think about stopping gambling. Most of the time, it is just a matter of control. This lesson served him. He learned. But learned what? He thinks he's learned not to put himself in a position to allow gambling to control him. He doesn't promise he won't gamble anymore, and if he did, he'd be lying to you. This is the trap. When he tells you and promises that he "won't do it anymore" the gambler is thinking (and in good faith he is saying between the lines) that from now on he will gamble like the others, as a normal person, socially. Without knowing it, he deludes you and deludes himself because he does not know that he has a disease that is much more powerful than him and his will.

THE "ENEMY"
If I talk a lot about the gambler right here at the beginning of the book, it is not to justify or defend him. On the contrary: I do it precisely because a better understanding of the gambler can help you defend yourself better. If you know the "enemy" better, you will have a much wider choice of tools to defend yourself. You can establish and implement a much more accurate and effective defense strategy. It may seem strange to hear of your husband, your son, your mother, a person who is extremely dear to you as an "enemy". But believe me, when a gambler is in the grip of the disease he is an enemy because, even if unknowingly and unintentionally, with his behavior he is destroying himself, you and the family. My personal experience and that of the many people I have helped have made me clearly see a fact. The initial inability to understand and possibly accept the painful reality of this disease leads many family members to postpone the adoption of appropriate protective measures. This delay inevitably leads to a progressive deterioration of the situation with sometimes disastrous practical consequences. Always keep in mind that, in the face of the pathological gambling, the actions that the gambler commit are not sufficient or valid parameters to judge him as a person, to define his basic character. What I mean is that the gambler who lies, cheats, manipulates and possibly steals, is not necessarily a fake, a hypocrite, a cheater or a thief. This statement may seem strange or unacceptable to you, but in reality, when considered in light of the fact that compulsive gambling is a real disease, it becomes not only acceptable, but almost obvious. I repeat, it is really important to understand and assimilate this concept: not always what a person does is enough to define who he really is. The importance of understanding this concept is defined by its implications, which can determine the practical approach to the problem. The initial approach is what defines whether you will sink deeper and deeper into the hellish nightmare of the disease or will discover and follow the signals that indicate the exit from that hell. Accepting the possibility that this concept is valid helps to recognize in time the emotional traps in which you can fall during the shock of the first stage, and to avoid them. From the bottom of my heart please do not look for differences in the details and situations between the information I give you and your specific case, but focus on the similarities of the modus operandi and the mechanisms of the disease. The dwelling on differences is merely an attempt to escape reality, to find excuses not to identify with the situation and therefore to be able to proclaim, and delude yourself, that your situation is different, and therefore, perhaps, not so serious and desperate. "Your" gambler, you will think, is not sick, only confused.

THE BROKEN FAUCET

Regardless of the process that led you to accept the fact that the situation is really serious and that you don't want or can no longer cover the damages, especially financial, created by the gambler, you are now at a critical moment: what to do now? The answer, before you even think about how to repair the damage already done, is to try to prevent the gambler from doing further damage. If when you enter your house you find the floor flooded because you have forgotten an open faucet, the most logical thing to do, before you start to dry the floor, is to close the faucet. But if you realize that it is not a simple distraction, and that the flood is caused by an old faulty faucet that was never properly repaired and finally broke down, then a definitive solution must be found. The faucet cannot be fixed any longer and has to be changed, so you have to call the plumber who can make the repair. How can we act in the midst of this crisis? The worst solution would be for the family to go outside while waiting for the plumber (or for the water tanks to get empty or for the tenant downstairs to find a solution). Another possibility (and it is one that too often occurs) is that, before they even do anything, family members start to argue for a long time about who is to blame for not taking care of the faulty faucet or who should have it repaired or who should do what and how. In the meantime, the problem increases, and the damage becomes greater. The best solution, finally, would be to organize immediately as a family: someone tries to limit the water loss by collecting it in a bucket, someone begins to clean the floor and block the flow before it invades other rooms, someone else try to find the cut-off valve and close it, and someone else finally sticks to the phone and cares to find a competent plumber to come as soon as possible. As soon as the situation has stabilized, a system will begin to be studied to repair wet carpets, restore the legs of ancient furniture, reassure and refund the neighbor downstairs and take care of other possible related issues. And life can resume. A similar team play will have to be done, as we will see, with the gambler when the family will cease to deny the problem or to look for the culprits, and will work on the goal to stop the leak, repair the damage and start functioning again. But let's proceed in order.

PROBLEM OR DISEASE?

The first complication arises in relation to the gambler's attitude. Remember that most of the time the gambler does not know that he has an illness and normally resists the idea of being sick. Faced with the seriousness of the damage done (not only financial, but also trust and self-esteem) the gambler can come to the conclusion that he has a problem but will hardly accept having a disease. The practical difference is that a problem is solved, while a disease must be cured. The gambler will tend to ask and accept help to solve the problem (for example, talk to the bank manager, obtain loans to consolidate debts, answer creditors' calls) but not to cure himself (go to the psychologist, attend self-help groups). That is the second critical moment. You have a big problem in your hands and you have to make some decisions that can be crucial in determining whether you will face a painful and solitary recovery or a painful recovery but in the family. With a flooded floor and a broken faucet, the solution is quite simple and direct: have a professional change the faucet, check for all the damage created by the flooding and have someone fix them. Maybe it will take some time and be expensive, but it is a clearly linear and feasible solution. Unfortunately, it is not as simple with a compulsive gambler. You cannot change a “faulty” husband or son or parent with a “new” one (although at times the temptation can be very strong). You need to “fix” them, but to do so you need their cooperation, which, we will see, can be problematic. As for the damage, while it might be relatively clear how to repair the financial one, it might be lengthy and more complex reestablish trust and affection. In the chapter "Repairing damage", I provide you with some practical tips on how to try to close the faucet or at least limit the water leak. Considering then that you will probably find some resistance on the part of the gambler to cooperate in the implementation of those precautionary measures, I present some considerations that I think are important to try to overcome his objections.

SAVE YOURSELF OR SEPARATE?

Unfortunately, in some cases, if you want to save yourself and your family while indirectly also help the gambler, you may need to resort to the most painful and drastic solution: separation from the gambler. It may indeed happen that the gambler, despite all the invitations, efforts, attempts made by you family members to make him aware of the need to stop the bleeding of money and the seriousness of his illness, stubbornly refuses, and often bellicosely, to cooperate in the necessary measures to close the faucet. And in accepting the fact that it is crucial that he cares. Faced with such a stubborn refusal the best choice for all could be to abandon it to its fate. Very often it seems that this is the final shock that can bring the gambler back to more mild advice and start him on a path of clarity and recovery. Clearly it is not easy. It is not easy to tell a son or daughter to leave home or force them to face a criminal trial and possible conviction. It is not easy to tell a spouse who perhaps you still deeply love, and with whom you have shared so many years of life, that the relationship is over, that one of them must leave, that the children will have to suffer the trauma of separation. It is not easy to become strict and sometimes even harsh with elderly parents who suddenly behave like unconscionable children. It is not easy, I know. Even today, after so many years, and having had to deal with many of these situations, even now that I write these thoughts I feel chills in my body and a hard knot in my stomach. The pain of shattered dreams, the terror in the face of a reality that disintegrates everything, the exhaustion in trying to support dangerous walls. The desperation to feel trapped and without a way out, the deep and excruciating fear of doubt when we constantly ask ourselves whether our choices are the right ones or not. The poignant fury of the helplessness of seeing a self-annihilating loved one, the debilitating and exhausting anxiety of the daily expectation of unknown and perhaps dramatic events, the emotional swing that hurls us from anger to love, from the desire for revenge to compassion, from hope to the darkest depression. Hours and nights of solitary sadness, sleepless anguish, pleading prayers, asking incessantly with the monotony of suffocated and suffocating despair: what can I do? What am I going to do?

FAMILY RECOVERY
It is a disconsolate and lonely world that of the gambler’s family, a world that absurdly seems to reflect the desolation and secret despair of the gambler himself in a parallel of fates that seem no longer to cross. It is a drama that involves all family members. I lived it and I still remember it. And that's essentially why I'm now here, among you, with the deep hope that this voice of mine can help you make your journey less difficult and painful. What can I do, what should I do? It is certainly not in my ability to answer these questions. Each of you will have to take responsibility for the answers. My hope and my intention in writing this book is to give you some tools that may be useful to you in finding more clarity in facing a world until now unknown to you, that can make you regain the strength to hope for more. I have spoken and considered the hypothesis of the drastic solution of separation (from spouse, child, parent, relative) simply because it is necessary for me to present you in a realistic way and as complete as possible the situation that arises, and the possible alternatives. In fact, deep in my heart, there is the desire and hope to see all families overcome the trauma of the disease by remaining united and eventually finding themselves all stronger than before. That is why I decided to organize this material as a "family recovery project" and to take care of this aspect above all.

HOW TO DO IT
I cannot tell you what to do, but I can certainly help you find a more efficient and constructive way of implementing your decisions. In the emotional chaos of the days (or weeks) that follow the awareness of the existence of the problem, under the pressure of anger, pain and despair, when you will feel not only offended, betrayed, violated, threatened, but also desolate, lonely, helpless, unable to receive help, perhaps even guilty but above all frightened, you could say or do things that could make the situation even more difficult and complicated. To help you deal with it in a constructive way, I have written the two chapters that deal precisely with effective behaviors and ineffective ones, more simply said: what to do and what not to do with and for the family overwhelmed by the drama of gambling. If what they say is important, sometimes much more important is the way they say it. It is not easy to establish communication with a person like the gambler who:

- tries to escape from reality

- resists the idea of being sick

- desperately seeks to save what in his mind is the only remnant of pride and dignity

- watches his world of dream and imagination miserably disintegrating and vanishing in the light of a daily reality that imposes certainty and responsibility

- wants to cling to the illusion that with gambling he will fix everything.

To communicate with such a person (the compulsive gambler!) you need to have a lot of patience, courage, love but also empathy and listening skills. It is already difficult for many of us to establish a dialogue with someone in normal situations, let alone in a situation as delicate and stressful as this one. Yet it is essential to do so, because from that commitment can depend the success or failure of the recovery project. The chapters "Learn to communicate" and "Gambler Resistance and Objections" are intended to provide some useful guidance to address the problem and some hints about the gambler's possible reactions.

THE "LOGIC" AND THE "WORLD" OF THE GAMBLER
As family members, you try to understand the gambler, to give a logical and consistent explanation to his behavior, and this can lead to frustrating results, because you continue to consider him a "normal" person, who acts and reacts normally, following certain emotional and logical principles considered commonly universal.

Although it may seem healthy and normal to you in relation to the management of other aspects of his life, even if he is a successful man at work, has many friends and practices sports, even if he cares for his parents or if he is a good father or a good mother, even in all these cases, when it comes to gambling, he is out of control and tenaciously follows inconsistent and absurd rules that you cannot understand as a non-gambler.

When in the grip of gambling, the gambler is not normal, his logic follows different paths and is based on different parameters, not on reality as you understand it but on a reality filtered through dream and magical thinking. The absurd in the gambler's mind becomes possible, the unlikely turns into a certainty. The gambler's tears that you see (they normally come after a destructive loss), are made up of eighty percent liquid solution, and twenty percent of a combination of remorse, anger, shame and... manipulation.

I am not saying the gambler doesn't feel any remorse or shame or pain. On the contrary, these emotions exist, they can also be deep, intense and sincere, but they are normally short-lived: the gambler is forced to overcome them or hide them to continue to function... and to keep his dream tied to gambling still alive.

Knowing the gambler's world makes you stronger than his objections, to his "no one understands me". With this book you can recognize and defend yourself from the manipulations and tricks of the gambler. And do different and new things. Knowing and understanding does not mean forgiving or justifying. It simply means being more aware of the problem and having a wider range of choices to defend you, protect yourself and build a new reality through accurate strategies and plans.

In summary, wanting to outline the objectives of this book, we will say that in the first place it provides you with a step-by-step plan to guide you in recognizing and defining the problem. It is tough, sometimes unbearable, but if someone in the house has the disease of gambling, it is better to know it and deal with it. The sooner, the better. Another goal is to give you tips on what to do and not to do to support your family members towards a change and not to make you involuntarily complicit in his gambling behavior. I will also give you guidance on how to manage a family a plan of financial return, which can restore serenity in the whole family and avoid or limit serious repercussions on the future of children, brothers, spouses. Finally, there will be a number of indications to guide you in choosing one or more therapies and treatments, including a detailed list of locations and institutions to turn to. Do not desist and do not give up!

Recovery from gambling is a slow, long and discontinuous process. Being a family that recovers from a gambling family member is really tiring. You will often feel desperate and you will want to let go. Do not give up if it doesn't work at first, if you don’t have immediate results. Consistency and strong motivation are the two things you'll need most. Learn to put aside shame, pride, isolation, anger, guilt. Stay focused on your goal: a family recovery project. Get rid of the idea: the gambler is him, so the problem is his, he has to do something, not me. Focus on the fact that if you are a family, his problem is also yours, and that in the face of a problem the main goal is to solve it, not to blame and point the finger.

There may be different issues, which we will discuss in a later chapter, depending on the role the gambler has in the family: parent, spouse, child, brother, sister, or some other close relative. The common variable of the different situations is the fact that the whole family remains involved in gambling and suffers the consequences. I would like to finally give a nod to the reasons that led the gambler to find refuge in gambling. I speak of refuge because normally gambling is the result of the deep desire to escape from a daily reality that the gambler perceives as limiting, oppressive, painful, unsatisfactory.

This is not the place to delve into the various and complex psychiatric, psychological and sociological theories that attempt to explain the genesis and development of pathological gambling and the complex mechanisms that underlie it. In the bibliography I propose some texts that can help those who are interested in further exploring these aspects. However, I think it is important here to briefly mention the two most common types of pathological gambler with reference to the reasons that the gambler himself applies to justify, to himself and others, his behavior.

On the one hand there is the gambler who dreams and deludes himself that the winnings from gambling (both the big wins and the continuous winnings) will solve all the problems that plague him and the family and allow him to be happy and to make happy the people he loves and who love him. The biggest difficulty in quitting gambling for this type of gambler is the need to abandon the dream, that dream that he pursued for so long with tenacity and obstinacy, that dream that illuminated, albeit fleetingly, his lonely and dark hours, that dream that kept him company and kept him alive in the darkest moments of despair. Abandoning it, it would be a betrayal and the acceptance of a ferocious defeat.

On the other side is the gambler who has found in gambling his little oasis of tranquility and isolation or the source of something exciting and new that breaks the monotony of a dull, flat and unsatisfactory existence, or a short vacation from the tensions and pressures of a rapacious and oppressive daily reality. In this case the greatest difficulty is to find the strength to re-enter that unwelcome reality and turn it into something positive. In principle, knowledge of the game of preference (the one to which the gambler devotes the most time) makes it possible to define which of the two groups he belongs to. In fact, a person who spends hours in front of a bar machine or in a bingo hall can hardly think of getting rich of course, it does so to escape an unsatisfactory everyday reality. This information could be relevant both to generate empathy with the gambler (more empathy will make it easier to overcome his initial resistances), and to help program the alternative activities necessary to strengthen the recovery phase.